"Achita, will you please come up and touch 'ball'?"

I almost lost it while reviewing with my Kindergarten 2 class after announcing what has been deemed the title of this blog. No, obviously none of the 5 year olds, nor the 3 other thai teachers and assistants in my classroom at the time understood my immature nature while acknowledging this phrase. I still get giddy when I draw all the toys I've taught those little shorties on the board and call them up one by one to "touch" the toy that I say. Achita, well that is just a name that sticks with me. It is so fun to say, try it - achiiitaaaaa. Not to mention he has no upper teeth right now and loooooves to smile. He also, during a thai class one day, drew a picture of me when they were asked to draw their favorite teacher. What can I say, out of 150+ students, someone has to like me, right??

So I want to talk about the little boy, Chin, that I tutor for and teach swimming lessons to (although I don't think there will be a lot of swimming going on because my schedule is very busy). I love him, but I sometimes cannot stand his attitude. I understand he is 3 1/2 years old and that must be tough. His attention is about that of a goldfish and his mother is nothing less than spoiling him. She continually tells me now how much he is to handle and I absolutely agree with her. However, her showering him with compliments and giving him whatever he wants isn't teaching him any sort of morals let alone discipline. If I try to scold him at all he will run away, refuse to hold my hand, or talk bad about me in thai. I want to tell this mother to get firm with that damn boy, but alas, there is more to the story of parenting that I obviously know. Her husband, Chin's father, lives in Bangkok for the week and comes home only on Fridays. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for her to only have her son all week without any help and NOT want to spoil him to make him love her (not that he wouldn't already, because he does). I'm not thanking my mother for scolding me in the supermarket or slapping me in the head when I made rude remarks or acted out foolishly in public (when I was his age... although I'm sure there have been several times during my "adult" life my mother has wanted to slap the daylights out of me... but we will leave that for another story time) but I do understand the magnitude of such discipline and the character traits each person might or might not develop dependent on the type of parenting or influences they have at a young age.
Anyway, I just got back from my first pizza hut excursion in Thailand with Chin and his mother. Yummmm. But those asians seriously eat one SMALL piece and are done - I could have eaten way more than the two pieces and chicken wing and salad that I had, but since I wasn't paying I was trying to be polite :) Chin has a GREAT memory so I am constantly quizzing him on items such as table, chair, square, triangle, etc. I thought it would be convenient to teach him how to say knife and fork considering they were on the table with us. However, after trying to get him to pronounce 'fork' I had an obnoxious 3 year old screaming "FUCK, FUCK.... FUCK" in the middle of this western restaurant. Oops.

I once read in a book, "..in order to make somebody laugh, you have to be interesting, and in order to be interesting, you have to do things that are mean. Comedy comes out of anger, and interesting comes out of angry; otherwise there is no conflict." However, we forgive comedians for their judgmental statements and one-sided explanations for life problems. Many people use comedy to express their anger. I think this it is funny and quite acceptable and healthy. But I'm not here to write any life rules; it is pretty consuming just living one's life.
The most recent comical situation I've been a part of would have to be a recent morning at school in my Primary 6-1 classroom. We were talking about vacations and it morphed into how long the kids have lived in Thailand. I thought I'd bring my experience to the conversation, considering I was supposed to be leading it, and said I've lived in America for... I paused thinking how many years... and one of the kids yelled out "40 years!!!" I was like, whoa. You think I'm THAT old?! SO another kid says, "35 years" then "30" Finally, I told them I was going to cry and screamed that I'm YI-SIP-SAM (thai for 23). Sheesh, maybe my hippie style flowy teacher clothes and my hair in a bun complete with glasses look isn't really benefiting my appearance. Then again, it is nice waking up and not worrying about how you look because regardless of what you wear, you WILL stick out like a sore thumb. You are a farang, Laura. Embrace it, even if it means you must age 15+ years.


It's weird when I think about how I wanted a super professional maybe corporate job and compare it to what I'm doing now... it is hard to sort out your emotions when everything around you and everything in your life is moving so quickly. I can honestly say that I'm not sure what "job" I want. I do know what I want with respect to fulfilling my inner need to explore, expand, and learn.
I'm a habitual over-thinker. I have sabotaged more than one relationship or even just different opportunities in my life because of it. I simply often get lost in my own head and get detached from reality. I'm not trying to imply that I'm also a habitually unsatisfied person but I swear my apartment is either too bright or too cold. I have these horrendous rotten lemon/stale urine colored drapes on my wall that is, yes, made entirely of windows. Pair that with the 7 am sun and it makes it almost impossible to sleep. However, come 6 or 7 pm and my lights aren't bright enough and make me feel like I'm in Amsterdam chilling out at a "cafe" on a Sunday evening. Additionally, I'm either sweating like a heroine addict in rehab or like an ice cold water bottle sitting on asphalt in Houston in July or I'm freezing in my air conditioning like Scanner Dan on State Street on a blistering winter day in December.


Today (June 2nd) I was sitting on my balcony at lunch and was thinking about how I originally had thought that I would only stay teaching here for a couple months and come home. How I had talked with friends about being back early and being able to maybe move to Chicago, and being able to go to the Badger game in Vegas in September, and being able to make it to some of the weddings in September, and being able to see Megan Grundahl's baby (she is so beautiful!!!). However, while sitting in 95 degree heat I couldn't think of another place I wanted to be (probably had a lot to do with the fact I was 6 inches from air conditioned paradise). I began at one small moment to not worry about "missing out" on things at home. However, today (June 7th) I had the absolute opposite, well maybe not 'absolute' but something along those lines, feeling. My life has interestingly enough been taken over by small children and my ability to teach them simple english sayings, making props to make their learning more entertaining (and maybe like me better as a teacher), relearning grammar to engrave into my 6th grader's heads, and preparing for quizzes and tests (aka making sure I know WHEN they are and that I actually have enough of them copied and the students are somewhat prepared for them). Wow. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Should I even care?

Thank GOD (or Buddha?) Kindergartners LOVE me (not to toot my own horn, but seriously, 4/5/6 year olds love everyone...). I don't think I'd be able to come back everyday without ending each day with several hugs from these tiny ferocious balls of... hmm can't really think of an appropriate word here so I'll leave that up to you. its kinda ego boosting having your name chanted as you leave and enter school and have tons of kids running up to you to hug you
"teacher larrrla"
i'm sadly obsessed with small children. People in my group are telling me it is becoming a problem, but maybe it's my christian upbringing showing it's true colors?

Buddhists everywhere say that the essence of all reality is dukhka, which translates as “suffering through incompletion” - the idea that nothing is ever enough. Some people experience this through obvious addictions to drugs or alcohol, but sometimes just the right about of something seems to eliminate all the dukhka for a while. I think a few sips of a nice cold Spotted Cow might take away all of my dukhka for a few solid minutes… I sometimes, however, get this feeling when I travel to new places, see new lifestyles, or embark on a new life mission (most of my missions are short-term, but I like to think that things like striving to be more organized like others is somewhat of a mission). I realize, like a chill, that all of this had been going on without me: Thailand was here and had been pumping away all while I was in America studying, while I was in Spain exploring, and while I was laying in the green grass on my farm - not to mention the rest of Asia, all of the Monks and Buddhists, India, Australia, etc. All of this has been going on without me. And no one cares whether I came or went, no one cares what I did or felt. This is a freedom that I find both rewarding and frightening. Everyone wants to be an individual, but realizing how easy it is to get lost into the crowd of the world is mind shattering to say the least. No one knows that I’m laying on my bed right now, books scattered everywhere because I can’t read just one book at a time, typing this message on my laptop. No one knows how I am perceiving the thai lifestyle or the strange construction workers I see everyday across my balcony. No wonder so many people crave fame - I suppose it allows you the illusion that you are someone. On the same note, a book I once read touched on this subject, “No wonder people need to pretend that God is watching them all the time. Any illusion would be better than this loneliness, this awareness of infinitesimal existence..” Hmm… time to start living I guess, stop talking about doing it, and stop talking about what I am doing, just do.


I'll end with that. Happy summer to you all. Didn't even realize that in America summer is upon you all, seems as if everything has continued back home as it was in April when I left, but then again, we know that isn't the case. Enjoy the cookouts, cold beer, friends and family, and most importantly, yourselves. XOXO